Thursday, September 9, 2010

Being a Stoner

In the mid-1850's a woman named Lucy Stone married Henry Blackwell, and kept her maiden last name. This was just not done at the time, and you can imagine some of the struggles they went through. She had to sign documents as "Lucy Stone, wife of Henry Blackwell." This couple lived a long, happy life together, and Lucy was supported in her decision by Henry.

By the early 1900's the expression "being a Lucy Stoner" referred to a woman who chose not to change her last name.

According to one source, 80% of women today take their husbands’ last names when they marry. But what happens if you like your last name? What if you don’t want to change it? Go back 20, 30, 40 years ago and remember what it was like. Did you know anyone who kept her last name after she was married? Was she a bad mom?

If we women are confused, you can bet our men will be too. If I don’t change my last name, does that mean I don’t love him? Does that mean I am planning to leave him in a few years?

Let’s consider a world in which men change their last names when they marry. Think of the business implications where brand recognition is critical. You hear slogans: our name is everything; all we have is our good name; we stand behind our name. Do women have the same luxury?

When a woman hits her stride in her profession, it becomes more difficult to change her name. Given the high state of separation and divorce and throw in the prospect of changing your professional name more than once or even twice, and things start to get complicated.

How is a prospective employer supposed to know, when they contact a previous employer, that my name used to be something else? Many HR firms are doing this research without first consulting the job candidate. Everything is automated and electronic.

Your name is your identity. It’s part of who you are. It suggests things about you and may connote your ethnicity, heritage, religion, and more. It stands to reason that people will also have opinions about a “Fitzpatrick” or a “Goldberg” or, in today’s world, an “Ali.”

Taking someone else’s name is not an easy decision for everyone. The other 20% of women who keep their names, these so-called "Lucy Stoners," have healthy families and loving spouses and work to keep the family feeling comfortable, of course they do. It doesn’t make them any less of a good wife, good mother, or a good person. To propagate that old stereotype in today’s world is a shame.

The practice of changing one’s name is a social construction. It’s not the law, and it was never the law! To young women: you don’t have to change your name. Many choose not to and for many different reasons. Guess what? The world doesn't come to an end; your friends will still be your friends; your parents will still be your parents.

There are many reasons why a woman chooses not change her name. I wish I had known one woman like that when I was growing up.

For more go to the Lucy Stoner League page. And sorry for being so misleading in the title - ha!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Finding Happiness in Eight Branches

Recently a friend of mine who is going through a tough time said to me, "I just want to be happy."

I'm no therapist, but as I was listening to him talk about various troubles, I thought that he could have stopped right there. This was the most true and honest thing he said all night. But he made this tremendous statement and then kept on going. To me, this statement was huge, but he drowned it out with a bunch of other racket. He probably doesn't even remember saying that.

And anyway, what would he do about it if he did stop to think about what he was saying? Would he then make all the changes he needs to, to find happiness? Isn't it easier to just let it ride?

Janet Abel, my yoga instructor, recently published an article in Tidewater Women magazine (page 10). It begins, "Everyone wants to be happy… we can take steps to make it more likely to manifest in our lives." She goes on to lay out the Yoga Sutra and the Eightfold Path.

1) 5 Yamas - non-violence, truthfulness, non-stealing, moderation, non-accumulation of stuff
2) 5 Niyamas - purity, contentment, self discipline, study, devotion to a higher truth
3) Asana - yoga postures
4) Pranayama - breathing
5) Pratyahara - turning attention inward
6) Dharana - focused attention (like on breathing)
7) Dhyana - meditation - putting negative thoughts aside
8) Samadhi - connection to the Divine

I swear that I didn't read this article until today, when my friend Lauren pointed it out to me that it sounded a lot like my bento box thing. Or maybe it's that what I wrote sounds a lot like this philosophy, even down to the eight things. Janet's article is really great, and worth a read.

It has not escaped my attention that my 3 big bento box things - writing, love, and work - are the same 3 things that are in the subtitle of my blog. It's the trying to get it all done part that's a killer. I believe I can decipher a way to do everything I want to do. I don't know how, exactly, but I'm working on it… Working on a way to make it more likely that I manifest in my life the things I want to be there.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Bent-over...

What's my sandwich? Or rice or whatever. I'm back to these basic questions. I'm thinking about them abstractly b/c it makes it a little easier to deal with. The three things that take the biggest trays in the bento box are:
LOVE, CREATE, WORK

Love - I'm compelled to do this love thing. Sometimes recklessly, but always deeply and involuntarily.

Work - This is something I'm good at, whether painting a room, making a sandwich (sorry for bringing that up again), or working on computers. Point me in the right direction and I will go--sometimes not getting up from a computer for hours. Not that this is healthy. Work tends to bring me stability and joy. Someone else is steering the ship.

Create - I struggle with this one the most. I'm not sure it makes me happy, but for sure I can catch a buzz. When I'm not doing enough writing practice I find myself playing the violin, or snapping off a role of film at the backyard, or decorating a cake to look like a transformer.

When I become aware of how much I'm doing that is not actually writing, then I quit all these other things to focus once again on writing. Turning back to what I love the most (outside of family) takes all my energy and effort. Writing is a constant battle against a terrible voice that keeps nagging at me to stop. For me this is the worst sort of confrontation of lack of self-worth. I almost never experience this in my daily life. It's only when I dare to stretch out and write that I feel this way. Nearly every time.

And so to do writing practice is less pleasure than a deep need. Like water. Sometimes when I'm forcing myself to drink more water, I remember something my sister once said, "Water sucks." I don't drink enough water like I don't do enough writing. And I suffer for it.

Get Bent-o!

So I literally have done nothing but think about this bento thing, where bento life = convenience life. That's what I am trying to distill all this into. I listed my priorities -

1) My children - love
2) Writing - creativity
3) Career - work
4) Health - mental and physical, inner being
5) Serene environment, outer being
6) Do something for others, give
7) Receive
8)

Is it possible to spend an hour on each of these things everyday? Is it possible to live in the moment without thinking about doing something else to take me out of that moment?

I have a friend whose life seems to be like this: she's a nurse (career), she paints watercolors to sell online (her art/creativity), she volunteers at an animal shelter (does for others), she has a family (love), and a beautiful home that she loves (outer being). She appears to be happy (inner being). She seems to be doing something right, which goes to show me I need to do more actually, rather than less, and that I need to focus my energy.

Ok, so...

1) Love -
This one is easy. My love for my boys is pure, whole, and life affirming. As a mom, I've realized that the decisions I make for them end up being healthy for myself as well. This "mom thing" is a good deal. It's essentially saved me. Helped to save me. I typically tend not to have healthy habits.

In the interest of caring for my boys I set my goal as this - 1 hour with them every day, just to hang. This won't be hard; I'm already doing this. As for romantic love? I'm not interested in working on this right now.

2) Create -
Make time for 1 hour a day to write. This I don't currently do. This is going to be a new practice. Practice. Practice. Love and practice. It seems odd that to be creative one is required to do something so banal as practice.

3) Career / Work -
I spend so much time at work. With this one I need to scale it back and not let it overtake my soul.

4) Inner being -
Going to start meditating twice a day everyday to help manage stress. At this turn, I honestly am aware of my stress level and need to destress as much as possible. Besides meditating, maybe spend a half hour a day trying to be aware of my inner self? I don't know how to do that, but in yoga there is a lot of talk about being present and concentrating on breathing. I will start with that.

Also, schedule all dr. appts and attend all. I usually keep up w/ this stuff.

5) Outer being -
I have said that my goal is to attain a calm environment. Spend 1 hour a day on achieving this through cleaning, organizing, etc. This is where tolerations come into play. Cleanliness is a type of wealth, so sayeth Suze Orman. And I agree with her.

6) Give -
I am voting to help the Rett girls. Last month I helped the Cure JM group win $250K. I need to find a way to give a little more. I can spend half an hour a day on this... It means more than giving a dollar to the guy on the corner. And I always feel bad if I don't have a dollar when someone asks for one. No, this giving needs to be in person. I need to be physically present. Present yourself to become present and your presence becomes a present. Whatever.

7) Receive -
I wrote this one b/c if you give, you must also receive - opportunities, love, good will. This one means being open. There is goodness to be had.

8) _______________ -
There must be an 8th. Eight is my lucky number (along with three) and there cannot be only seven, which is my most inauspicious number. I will figure out 8 in time.