Bent-over...

What's my sandwich? Or rice or whatever. I'm back to these basic questions. I'm thinking about them abstractly b/c it makes it a little easier to deal with. The three things that take the biggest trays in the bento box are:

LOVE, CREATE, WORK

Love - I'm compelled to do this love thing. Sometimes recklessly, but always deeply and involuntarily.

Work - This is something I'm good at, whether painting a room, making a sandwich (sorry for bringing that up again), or working on computers. Point me in the right direction and I will go--sometimes not getting up from a computer for hours. Not that this is healthy. Work tends to bring me stability and joy. Someone else is steering the ship.

Create - I struggle with this one the most. I'm not sure it makes me happy, but for sure I can catch a buzz. When I'm not doing enough writing practice I find myself playing the violin, or snapping off a role of film at the backyard, or decorating a cake to look like a transformer.

When I become aware of how much I'm doing that is not actually writing, then I quit all these other things to focus once again on writing. Turning back to what I love the most (outside of family) takes all my energy and effort. Writing is a constant battle against a terrible voice that keeps nagging at me to stop. For me this is the worst sort of confrontation of lack of self-worth. I almost never experience this in my daily life. It's only when I dare to stretch out and write that I feel this way. Nearly every time.

And so to do writing practice is less pleasure than a deep need. Like water. Sometimes when I'm forcing myself to drink more water, I remember something my sister once said, "Water sucks." I don't drink enough water like I don't do enough writing. And I suffer for it.