Artists Working Daily

When artists are working regularly, they are spiritually centered. The act of making art is a spiritual act and our daily exposure to this realm does have an impact on our personality.
- Julia Cameron, December 2010

There is no cure for being insecure about the work except to do the work. I’m not sure who said that, but it wasn’t me. I’m only thinking it over and over. It’s my mantra for this day… That’s right. I’ve reached WRITER’S FUNK.

There is no way around doing the work except to not do the work. And if not doing the work is not an option, you are only left to do the work.

Today I have struggled so much. I believed I might have come to an impasse. I am not writing organically anymore. It’s all forced.

Today I have spent a lot of time envisioning that I will not finish my book.

I spent time thinking about how it wasn’t any good.

I spent time thinking about how it cannot be published.

I’ve been working on a novel for 5 months and now… a FUNK.

I checked out some web sites—one of them was Julia Cameron’s site, and that’s where I got the quote above.

I did some desperation searches on the Internet, like, how to finish your novel. I looked up plot. I am feeling like I’m not anywhere close to being finished.

I spent time getting the PATH of the boat worked out. (There is a boat in the book.)

Then I spent time getting the TOC worked out.

Then I spent time thinking about how I had nothing left to write. And all of these things are not actually helping me, because I’m not writing NEW material. I’m just fooling around w/ what I’ve already done. If I had anything new to write, I would do that instead.

I counted my total number of chapters: 32. I counted how many I have written already: 23.

Of the 23 chapters I’ve already written, at least 9 need serious help.

That still leaves 9 more chapters that I need to write from scratch. Somehow that seems like a lot.

I printed out a list of the chapters. Then I put a check mark next to the chapters that I had already written, and it seemed like such an easy thing.

I do not remember struggling over every word of the previous chapters. But I must have.

I do not remember having a head full of self-doubt. But I always do.

I took some advice today from one of the places that I looked up online to get help. This person said to make sure you know how the novel ends.

I think I already know how it ends. Though I do not know everything, I know some things. And I moved forward on my book today, focusing on the SOME that I already know.

Yep, and I missed yoga. But I was thinking about my story.

I wrote almost 3 pages today of new material. And this is a day that I spent practically the entire day thinking that it was all bunk.

I can only hope that during my rewrite—which I am greatly looking forward to—that I will find the voice and story and plot in this book. I’m looking forward to the rewrite b/c I have a little bit of hope that this book will start to take its shape. I suspect that editing might be a little easier than cold writing.

There is no cure for being insecure about the work except to do the work. When the words flow, that’s the best.

If there are people at BOOT tonight, I will need to get some help to get out of this writing funk.

Word count: 69,468
Page count: 285

Taking a Break

No posts for a while--doctor's orders! I'm not kidding. My doc says I'm not getting enough sleep. Since I'm already working on several other writing projects, I need to lay low on this for a while.

Till next time...

Query Letters

Query letters are little gems that you have to write to introduce yourself and your writing and your piece, along with mention of any research and previous publications. You should know the editor's name and what they are looking for. Your tone should be appropriate to the journal/magazine/publishing house by whom you wish to be published.

I have a stash of query letters; however, I'm not consistent at sending out my work. I'm really busy - it's not just an excuse. Right now I'm sitting on one of my kid's beds listening to him snore, and typing in the dark. Thank goodness for light-up keyboards, which I insisted on getting on my last purchase of a laptop. I knew I'd be spending a lot of time in the dark with my keyboard.

Back to the subject at hand... all previously written query letters are slightly different one from the other, and none apply to my current essay. Therefore, the hours spent on typing up query letters in the past have only just prepared me to type up a new one again; they were practice.

I have an essay I'd like to submit to a family-type magazine, and I'm going over their submission guidelines. They want to know everything about the essay, but they don't want to see the actual essay. Huh? They only want to know about it. And they want this distillation in about a page.

Why not just ask to read the essay?

And they want experts and citations. My little essay is not really bent that way, but I can tweak it. I need to count words and see if I can fit the rather lengthy essay into a publishable format. So there will be cutting...

This is only the first place I'm thinking of sending it. In all, by the time I have written and polished a piece, and it's just sitting there looking pretty, there is still a lot to do. So I'm going to *sigh* write up a draft query, and look up a couple of statistics before I can join my kids in their snoring.

The Yard(a poem from my dad about his yard)

Now, that I have retired I wonder how much I perspired

To get all the stuff and gear, and buy the house that I have here.

I think of working days & hours required to be a success or get fired.

As I remember it then, we had a yard, house and a den,

I don’t think it was quite so hard to maintain that yard.

That yard was the place you went when your mother’s patience was spent.

You kids are driving me nuts go outside or I’ll beat your butts.

So out we went to hide and seek, dig holes, make forts, catch snakes, and kick the can

And I never remember my Dad being mad when he saw the fun we had.

He knew what a yard was for, to entertain your kids and others by the score.

They were glad that all that mess, was out where it should be…

Because that was purpose of the yard you see.

Now things have changed and I lament, the yard is gone and in its stead

I have some crappy flower bed. Now I have lots of time and I find the yard job is mine.

And the yard is not a place for recreate or play; it’s become my job, my work all day.

It no longer takes a couple of hours, to mow the grass and plant a flower.

Even now that I’m an old fart, the yard has become a work of art.

I have to visit the GOD's at Lowes each day, buying stuff to keep it perfect that way.

The work has grown, the task too hard, so I have employees to tend the yard.

What we used to do with shovel rake and hoe, they have machines that whack, grind and blow.

It now reminds me of days of old, when I was boss and my people I told,

Get busy you buggers all, blow the leaves, can’t you see its fall.

And just like then as I order them about, they look at me as I shout,

What’s this asshole talking about…

Dave Walker

Being a Stoner

In the mid-1850's a woman named Lucy Stone married Henry Blackwell, and kept her maiden last name. This was just not done at the time, and you can imagine some of the struggles they went through. She had to sign documents as "Lucy Stone, wife of Henry Blackwell." This couple lived a long, happy life together, and Lucy was supported in her decision by Henry.

By the early 1900's the expression "being a Lucy Stoner" referred to a woman who chose not to change her last name.

According to one source, 80% of women today take their husbands’ last names when they marry. But what happens if you like your last name? What if you don’t want to change it? Go back 20, 30, 40 years ago and remember what it was like. Did you know anyone who kept her last name after she was married? Was she a bad mom?

If we women are confused, you can bet our men will be too. If I don’t change my last name, does that mean I don’t love him? Does that mean I am planning to leave him in a few years?

Let’s consider a world in which men change their last names when they marry. Think of the business implications where brand recognition is critical. You hear slogans: our name is everything; all we have is our good name; we stand behind our name. Do women have the same luxury?

When a woman hits her stride in her profession, it becomes more difficult to change her name. Given the high state of separation and divorce and throw in the prospect of changing your professional name more than once or even twice, and things start to get complicated.

How is a prospective employer supposed to know, when they contact a previous employer, that my name used to be something else? Many HR firms are doing this research without first consulting the job candidate. Everything is automated and electronic.

Your name is your identity. It’s part of who you are. It suggests things about you and may connote your ethnicity, heritage, religion, and more. It stands to reason that people will also have opinions about a “Fitzpatrick” or a “Goldberg” or, in today’s world, an “Ali.”

Taking someone else’s name is not an easy decision for everyone. The other 20% of women who keep their names, these so-called "Lucy Stoners," have healthy families and loving spouses and work to keep the family feeling comfortable, of course they do. It doesn’t make them any less of a good wife, good mother, or a good person. To propagate that old stereotype in today’s world is a shame.

The practice of changing one’s name is a social construction. It’s not the law, and it was never the law! To young women: you don’t have to change your name. Many choose not to and for many different reasons. Guess what? The world doesn't come to an end; your friends will still be your friends; your parents will still be your parents.

There are many reasons why a woman chooses not change her name. I wish I had known one woman like that when I was growing up.

For more go to the Lucy Stoner League page. And sorry for being so misleading in the title - ha!

Finding Happiness in Eight Branches

Recently a friend of mine who is going through a tough time said to me, "I just want to be happy."

I'm no therapist, but as I was listening to him talk about various troubles, I thought that he could have stopped right there. This was the most true and honest thing he said all night. But he made this tremendous statement and then kept on going. To me, this statement was huge, but he drowned it out with a bunch of other racket. He probably doesn't even remember saying that.

And anyway, what would he do about it if he did stop to think about what he was saying? Would he then make all the changes he needs to, to find happiness? Isn't it easier to just let it ride?

Janet Abel, my yoga instructor, recently published an article in Tidewater Women magazine (page 10). It begins, "Everyone wants to be happy… we can take steps to make it more likely to manifest in our lives." She goes on to lay out the Yoga Sutra and the Eightfold Path.

1) 5 Yamas - non-violence, truthfulness, non-stealing, moderation, non-accumulation of stuff
2) 5 Niyamas - purity, contentment, self discipline, study, devotion to a higher truth
3) Asana - yoga postures
4) Pranayama - breathing
5) Pratyahara - turning attention inward
6) Dharana - focused attention (like on breathing)
7) Dhyana - meditation - putting negative thoughts aside
8) Samadhi - connection to the Divine

I swear that I didn't read this article until today, when my friend Lauren pointed it out to me that it sounded a lot like my bento box thing. Or maybe it's that what I wrote sounds a lot like this philosophy, even down to the eight things. Janet's article is really great, and worth a read.

It has not escaped my attention that my 3 big bento box things - writing, love, and work - are the same 3 things that are in the subtitle of my blog. It's the trying to get it all done part that's a killer. I believe I can decipher a way to do everything I want to do. I don't know how, exactly, but I'm working on it… Working on a way to make it more likely that I manifest in my life the things I want to be there.

Bent-over...

What's my sandwich? Or rice or whatever. I'm back to these basic questions. I'm thinking about them abstractly b/c it makes it a little easier to deal with. The three things that take the biggest trays in the bento box are:

LOVE, CREATE, WORK

Love - I'm compelled to do this love thing. Sometimes recklessly, but always deeply and involuntarily.

Work - This is something I'm good at, whether painting a room, making a sandwich (sorry for bringing that up again), or working on computers. Point me in the right direction and I will go--sometimes not getting up from a computer for hours. Not that this is healthy. Work tends to bring me stability and joy. Someone else is steering the ship.

Create - I struggle with this one the most. I'm not sure it makes me happy, but for sure I can catch a buzz. When I'm not doing enough writing practice I find myself playing the violin, or snapping off a role of film at the backyard, or decorating a cake to look like a transformer.

When I become aware of how much I'm doing that is not actually writing, then I quit all these other things to focus once again on writing. Turning back to what I love the most (outside of family) takes all my energy and effort. Writing is a constant battle against a terrible voice that keeps nagging at me to stop. For me this is the worst sort of confrontation of lack of self-worth. I almost never experience this in my daily life. It's only when I dare to stretch out and write that I feel this way. Nearly every time.

And so to do writing practice is less pleasure than a deep need. Like water. Sometimes when I'm forcing myself to drink more water, I remember something my sister once said, "Water sucks." I don't drink enough water like I don't do enough writing. And I suffer for it.

Get Bent-o!

So I literally have done nothing but think about this bento thing, where bento life = convenience life. That's what I am trying to distill all this into. I listed my priorities -

1) My children - love

2) Writing - creativity

3) Career - work

4) Health - mental and physical, inner being

5) Serene environment, outer being

6) Do something for others, give

7) Receive

8)

Is it possible to spend an hour on each of these things everyday? Is it possible to live in the moment without thinking about doing something else to take me out of that moment?

I have a friend whose life seems to be like this: she's a nurse (career), she paints watercolors to sell online (her art/creativity), she volunteers at an animal shelter (does for others), she has a family (love), and a beautiful home that she loves (outer being). She appears to be happy (inner being). She seems to be doing something right, which goes to show me I need to do more actually, rather than less, and that I need to focus my energy.

Ok, so...

1) Love -

This one is easy. My love for my boys is pure, whole, and life affirming. As a mom, I've realized that the decisions I make for them end up being healthy for myself as well. This "mom thing" is a good deal. It's essentially saved me. Helped to save me. I typically tend not to have healthy habits.

In the interest of caring for my boys I set my goal as this - 1 hour with them every day, just to hang. This won't be hard; I'm already doing this. As for romantic love? I'm not interested in working on this right now.

2) Create -

Make time for 1 hour a day to write. This I don't currently do. This is going to be a new practice. Practice. Practice. Love and practice. It seems odd that to be creative one is required to do something so banal as practice.

3) Career / Work -

I spend so much time at work. With this one I need to scale it back and not let it overtake my soul.

4) Inner being -

Going to start meditating twice a day everyday to help manage stress. At this turn, I honestly am aware of my stress level and need to destress as much as possible. Besides meditating, maybe spend a half hour a day trying to be aware of my inner self? I don't know how to do that, but in yoga there is a lot of talk about being present and concentrating on breathing. I will start with that.

Also, schedule all dr. appts and attend all. I usually keep up w/ this stuff.

5) Outer being -

I have said that my goal is to attain a calm environment. Spend 1 hour a day on achieving this through cleaning, organizing, etc. This is where tolerations come into play. Cleanliness is a type of wealth, so sayeth Suze Orman. And I agree with her.

6) Give -

I am voting to help the Rett girls. Last month I helped the Cure JM group win $250K. I need to find a way to give a little more. I can spend half an hour a day on this... It means more than giving a dollar to the guy on the corner. And I always feel bad if I don't have a dollar when someone asks for one. No, this giving needs to be in person. I need to be physically present. Present yourself to become present and your presence becomes a present. Whatever.

7) Receive -

I wrote this one b/c if you give, you must also receive - opportunities, love, good will. This one means being open. There is goodness to be had.

8) _______________ -

There must be an 8th. Eight is my lucky number (along with three) and there cannot be only seven, which is my most inauspicious number. I will figure out 8 in time.